Stars

Last night was epic. It was my first date with the new boy. We had a fairly large-group of non-dance goers and we went to this run-down old roller rink. It was fun. My friends were definately getting some laughs out of teasing me and my date.

After, we drove to McDonald's. The boy in question and I rode in the same car and got there a little late. We started walking up, cringing in unison and the teasing we were about to endure for taking so long in the car when about ten feet from the door I just turned to him and said "how bout we just leave and not put up with this bullshit?". He was like, "okay" and even with our friends in clear view (though I don't think they saw us) we just turned around and went back to the car.

We couldn't figure out what to do so we settled on driving aimlessly. It was particularly effective because he doesn't know Monterey so every stoplight I'd just say "right, left, or straight?". We got lost for a while, and then ended up at Carmel beach. Kind of ironic considering we'd been across the street from a beach to begin with.

We had exactly 8 minutes to kill at the beach, because based on my mom's paranoia earlier in the evening when I left for the "dance", I could definately not afford to be late. We settled on walking on the beach; except like 100 feet out he just spontaneously laid down. I followed suit. Being me, naturally the first thing I said was, "So...this is cliche."

So I'm lying here under this gorgeous starry sky on a beautiful beach in the arms of the guy I like and all I could think was this should be perfect. Not this is perfect, but this should be perfect. Even in some romantic circumstance that countless societal objects (film, literature, etc) have hardwired into my brain as "perfect," it didn't feel perfect. I mean, it was cool I guess. The whole making out thing that I've discovered lately is cool I guess. But it's not like something I swoon over. (...Aren't girls suppose to swoon?)

It was straight out of fiction right up to my phone alarm interrupting out makeout-sesh, and yet, it's the first instance in my life that has me genuinely worried about how emotionally damaged I am (I mean am I really so bad off that I can't even feel affection?). But then maybe I'm over reacting; maybe this (boys and kissing and stuff) is just another one of those things that everyone makes a big fucking deal about that I just don't get - I mean, that does happen to me a lot; I'm not some flowery idealist.

I wanted this (I would say relationship, but it isn't quite that just yet so I won't superimpose such a severe word so prematurely) for the sake of having one. I wanted to get a few experiences out of the way before I went to college. But now I'm beginning to wonder if in settling for someone who would do rather then holding out for someone I really liked I've made a mistake. I feel like he really likes me whereas I'm still kinda on the fence about it (and lord knows I do not need another boy with feelings for me that I can't reciprocate making me feel like a horrible person for hurting him without meaning to).

We had a great time and he's a really sweet guy, but I just don't know. Maybe we'll end up together, maybe not. Ideally I'll just take some advice off of last weeks episode of Greek and use the word "casual" enough that he'll get the hint not to get too emotionally attached :P