Hello Again

Whelp I did it. I survived a semester without you, lovely blog of mine, but I missed you quite terribly.

I've been putting off posting again for fear of mediocrity. I mean that last post was a full conclusion. I feel like at this point I'm carrying on a story that may already have been told, wrapped up, loose ends tied. I'd hate for my blog to become Smallville, or 7th Heaven, or Land Before Time, or any other great story that was ruined because they had to milk it dry - they just couldn't let go and in the process, they ruined something special.

But maybe there's somewhere in the middle. I like my privacy. I like keeping my facebook friends small and my personal life private. But this blog still means so much. I still find myself reflective sometimes, not wanting to over-share with my tumblr anons by posting deep poetry or personal reflection. So maybe I'll leave that here. Make this more of my poetry and maybe a blog every once and a while.

I talked in my last post about starting this blog at a place of confusion, self-searching and transition, and whelp, I find myself at yet another crossroads in my life. I have learned and grown so incredibly much last year. I am so strong and so independent and so incredibly proud of myself. And I did it without anyone's support, or encouragement, or rushing into anyone's arms. And I didn't do it for anyone's approval; I did it for me. But this year I have found that the more I learn, the more I realize how much I have to learn. And maybe this blog can be the place of self-reflection that it so powerfully once was yet again. Maybe it can be a place where it's okay to over-share just a bit. To whine about loose ends and life drama and lost friends and gained enemies and boys, and crazy shit I get myself into.

So I guess what I'm saying now is that I'm ready to carry this blog with me into the next chapter of my life. Like myself, much will stay the same; but I'm sure much will be different too. I can't promise you the PG-13 rom-com that was my stories, because that's not my life anymore. But if you want to take this journey with me, see where it leads.... maybe I'm willing to try opening up again.

Oh why hello

Hey there blogosphere. I know I have a few loyal followers out there and for them I felt like I should write. I don't know that you'll be hearing for me for sometime after this, and I didn't want you to feel abandoned. (Considerate, aren't I? :P)

You see not only is it that it seems brilliant writing comes to us most easily in times of pain, which I have not been in a while and do not foresee in my future for some time, but also that there's something in me that doesn't feel the need to write anymore, almost doesn't want to.

I felt lost and scared in a world I didn't understand those seven years ago that I started this blog. 13 is a tough age. I felt alone in the world, and I really just wanted somebody, anybody, to listen. So I wrote. I wrote and I wrote and I typed out words intricately scrutinizing over the details every single time I felt sad or alone or maybe just contemplative. I poured my heart and soul into this blog, not with the goal of anyone I new ever seeing it, but just because knowing it was out there somewhere that someone just might find, that someone just might see, that someone might just understand me for even a millisecond - it made me feel not so alone.

And then there came the time of others knowing, of people I knew finding my words, commenting on them. And though I loved the thought of them listening, though I loved the kind complimentary words and the fact that someone besides me appreciated my writings as much as did; but it also made me feel quite a bit more naked than I was ready for. I have never been a strong secure person capable of independently standing on her own two feet, unafraid of what may come. Instead I've spent a life guided by others opinions, constantly frightened of someone watching. Living by another's opinions and moral code, constantly afraid of judgement or of letting those people who's words I lived by down in someway. This was a struggle for me in my writing. What if I wrote something wrong? They would see it. I would let them down. They might realize that maybe I'm not as brilliant as they think I am. How will I ever live up to the expectation I felt in their complimentary words? This began shape my writing. A constant battle with myself; scared to be honest, but trying to find courage. That was what my blog always was; I couldn't let people take that from me. I thank those people for reading. I thank them for their words. I thank them for helping me find the strength to be honest.

And then there was the last torturous epoch of months. Bless the hearts of those of you who stuck around because even I look back and feel like it was torturous. Months and months where I wasn't talking to Nathan, I wanted so very badly to talk to Nathan, but rather than grow a pair, scared of vulnerability and of rejection, I poured my heart into my blog. Everything I so desperately wanted to say to him I put here. Hoping oh so desperately he might find it, thinking him riddled with curiosity as I so desperately was of his life. (Of course I later learned he didn't dare look because he was terrified of what horrible things I was probably saying about him. Still hasn't probably. Oh contraire.)

I can't say I'll never be back, but it's definitely time for a little break. You see, I reached that point I was always dreaming of. Standing completely on my own two feet, the hell with the neigh sayers. My last semester basically took everything that could possibly go wrong to a person, shook it up and a bottle, and blew a lovely tornado of chaos my way. I'm pretty sure I made every wrong decision I possibly could've along the way. I also did so far to publicly which cost me gravely and taught me how easily it is to destroy a lifetimes worth of reputation. (And I'm so incredible grateful for that glorious mess. I don't think I have grown nearly as much in all my years as life demanded of me within just this last.) But now? Now I'm here, in this moment, living actively and responsibly.

We live in this world where it's so easy to become a slave to technology. Combine that with teenage insecurity and you've got this deadly need to always look cool and hip and good. To give and give and give of yourself just trying to keep up appearances. Just as much as people don't need to know my bad, they don't need to know my good either.

My life is mine. No one else's. It's not about trying be "in" with facebook "friends" I barely know. It's not about always having to be cool or perfect. It's not about giving so much of yourself to the world all the time. It's not about pouring your heart out online where anyone can see. Live it for you. Let the special people in and screw the rest of them. And if people want to know something about you, let them ask. Don't make it so easy for people to get so much of you. Make them work for it. Because you deserve it. You are a truly unique, wonderful, special human being. You deserve the moon. And more than that, you certainly deserve people in your life who have to work to be in it. Your friendship, your heart, your story - it's a prize. Don't give it away. Save it for those who will treat it as such and who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. All of us are worthy of and deserving of that. Remember it.

So as for now, I'm back at school and loving it. I've got purple hair. I've got a great job and a really amazing guy and wonderful friends and things are good. That boy I was so heartbroken about? Out of my life at his choice, and I'm feeling all the better for it. I'm sober. I'm happy. Everyday is a new challenge and for once that doesn't scare me, it makes me hungry to meet it. It's life and it's crazy and mixed up and a beautiful mess and I love it. I wouldn't change a thing, past or present.

And as for you my lovelies, thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for withholding judgement. Thank you for encouraging comments. Thank you for putting up with the full and total insanity that is Katherine Elizabeth Stevens and sticking around anyway. Whether it continues or not, thank you for taking this journey with me. Few are blessed with something as precious as the blog experience has been for me and I'm so grateful for it. I hope you are fortunate enough to find such kindness and wonder in your own future travels.

And don't forget, never be afraid to be who you are; settle for nothing less than you deserve - no matter what.

xo

Dependency

It makes me a little sad, this...

That I don't know how to function without some pill.

Just of a shell of a person anymore. I can't even "be" without some chemical telling me how.

Keeping me awake, keeping me focused, keeping me happy, keeping me "sane".

That I don't know how to have sex without feeling miserable after.

It had meaning once, but fuck it now. Pointless really. Even when they care I just feel used and hurt. Like love almost makes it worse. I'd rather you not know my name, or be sweet, or let me give a fuck about you. It's easier to focus on the physical act that way. Far less likely to ensue messy feelings.

That I can't eat anymore. Because between the pills and the upset I can't keep anything down. Funny how I'm starving to death and all I hear is "you look good" "keep it up" "you could loose five more pounds". Caring. Considerate. Good to know I have people looking out for my well-being.

That I find myself with nothing but fair-weather friends.

That I find myself building a life, building memories, building relationships only to have them all torn down and have to start all over again.

That the thing I've always been best at is self destruction.

So watch me burn baby. It's going to be a glorious sight.

adventure is out there

Maybe I'll be that girl who travels the world in love with possibility.

Maybe I'll be the one who settles down in suburbia to be a soccer mom.

Maybe I'll be an award winning journalist, or a justice-seeking policy maker.

Maybe dye my hair purple just for the hell of it.

Or maybe I'll just be boring old mistake-making reckless me, searching for myself as long as I live

I don't know who I'll be yet. Or where I'll go. Or who I'll meet.

But I'm starting to see that it's bigger than here. It's bigger than high school or the friends I've acquired in these 19 years.

It's terrifying, but it's time to let go.

I don't want to say goodbye to here. It's scary to think that the house I call home will no longer be here in a few short months; everything is about to be different.

It's scary to accept that the friends that were once family may not always be a part of my life.

It's scary, but it's time.

It's time to say goodbye to Nathan too. And I know I've said that a million times, that I talk about him constantly.

And god, I can't even express how sad and hurt and angry it all still makes me.

I want so badly for things to be different between us.

I'd give anything to make things different.

But I can't build a time machine.

I can't live in regret of choices I made not knowing better.

And I am so goddamn tired of trying so hard to be friends with someone who says one thing, but really doesn't seem to care.

I'm tired of living my life under a microscope.

Tired of caring so much what other people think.

Tired of stupid high school drama.

Tired of living my life in the same cycle of creation and destruction.

Tired of living for others instead of myself.

Tired of existing in fear rather than truly living.

So I think it's time...

Time to let go.

Time to move on.

Time to start fresh.

I almost respect what Frances did. She moved away and she cut ties with home and she let herself start a new life of bigger and better things.

And while I in no way intend to cut everyone out, or drastically change, or become ridiculously religious, I think maybe it's time I follow in her footsteps.

Goodbye home. You've been the only place I've every really felt at home, and I'll miss you.

Goodbye friends. You've been laughs and memories. There through thick and thin. More family to me than blood, and I'll never forget you.

Goodbye Nathan. The best thing to ever happen to my life so far. You changed everything I believed in and everything I was as a person. You taught me to love. You gave me amazing lessons and memories. God I want it to be different, but it can't. You I'll miss the most, but it's time to let you go; time to cut you out. I owe it to myself.

Goodbye high school. Four of the best years of my life, spilling over into a fifth.

Amazing, but gone and over. And I think I get that now. I think I'm ready to let go of that world and embrace new possibilities.

There's a whole world out there.

And all take all this home has given me,

But I'm ready to go explore. <3

If I die young...

I wonder sometimes, what words they'd say at my funeral

If I died tomorrow, who would care?

Who would show up?

My friends I suppose. If only out of obligation.

Maybe some others. Those that go to funerals to improve reputation.

My family I'm sure; for them I'd feel the sorriest.

But what about the others?

Would he go?

If I were dead would that make him give a fuck about me?

It's morbid I guess, but I can't help it.

I know I won't,

But I contemplate the idea of suicide now and again.

Always have.

It's like this comforting crystal ball I like to juggle on the edge of my palm.

Knowing at any second it might drop,

while at the same time staring into it's beauty and wonder, knowing something precious is in my hands.

But there's moments like these.

Moments were it hurts so bad I can't turn it off.

I can't control it.

I feel nothing but pity, and sorrow, and loneliness, and like such an absolute unwanted freak.

Moments like these that the idea of never waking up tomorrow -

or sooner even; ending it all in the next five minutes -

it seems like the sweetest gift I could give myself.

The peace,

the quiet.

I've never found it here.

No matter how much I search I can't seem too.

So it's hard not to wonder if perhaps it's time to let go of this world; if maybe that which I seek is waiting for me somewhere else.

So I wonder, what would they say?

Who would take the blame?

Would they claim me troubled?

Lie and call it some "tragedy."

Would they suddenly care?

Would they read the words I've written?

Find sudden brillance in what was once just a mere girl?

Or would I simply slip away?

For surely no school would hold grand ceremony; no one would get bumper stickers or tattoo their backs.

So what would they say about me?

Who would notice?

Would I shake any realities?

Touch any hearts?

If I died tomorrow,

would that finally be enough for you to care?

bathwater

Do you remember that night in July?

I was drunk off Jack we washed down with grape juice chasers. Smoking cigars in my back yard. My friend Alex was visiting. It was the first time I'd ever been drunk. And you were pissed. The only sober responsible one. You felt manipulated, and I could tell you were upset, and I wanted so much to apologize, but my drunk self couldn't focus enough to figure out how. So I sat in my room waiting for you to get back from taking everyone home and you came in, and you kissed me and told me I tasted like alcohol. But even smelling like whiskey you still cuddled me. And we took a bath. Our first bath together. And we cuddled. And I rambled drunkenly on. And the warm water was amazing. And your kisses. And I felt so safe and so happy. And I know you were mad. That you felt used. That you probably look back on that night with a little anger. You being so moral and my messing up and annoying you. That's kind of how I felt about our whole relationship. I was never good enough. Always just messing up and annoying you. But I look at that night differently. To me that night was magic. It was heaven.

And just like that night I never think I'll ever be able to explain enough how sorry I am and how much I want you not to be mad at me anymore. How I just want for you to enjoy this moment with me and be happy.

And just like that night "I love you. I love you. I love you. ...this many. *reaches out arms*"

And I have longer arms, so I will always win. <3

muffins

I don't know if you have any idea what today is, but I sure do.

A year ago today I lost my virginity to you.

After much deliberation, and late night phone calls discussing all the ramifications of sex, the moment came where I knew whole-heartedly that I was ready. That things were perfect.

And I don't regret it. I don't regret it at all.

That was the best weekend of my life.
Watching Mean Girls, eating muffins and making Betty White jokes, being so completely in love with you.

But I do wonder if somehow things might be easier if I hadn't.

Maybe if sex hadn't entered the equation this wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe I wouldn't've made some of the mistakes I've made since.

I dunno.

I don't even know if you know what today is, or if you care.

Especially with the way things are now.

How did we get so broken?

We tell each other how much we want to be friends, but nothing seems to change.

I close my eyes and wish for a moment that things were different. That we were together. That I could call you and tell you how much I love you and care about you and we could spend today together and be happy.

But that's not real. And I can't torture myself like this anymore.

I know it isn't likely, but I still hope I get another chance with you someday. In all honesty, even if I did, I feel like we're both to different now. It wouldn't work out. But I wish I could build a time machine and stay as "us" a little longer. It was beautiful to be in love with you. I miss it and often think of it fondly.

I miss you. And I love you. And I will always love you. If only for that one night, and how very much it/you meant to me.

And I hope you remember what today means too. (But you probably don't :/)

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

August 8th (because technically it was 2am) - forever in my heart

breadcrumbs

I feel like I've left all these little breadcrumbs for you

Trails back to where we were

Pieces to let you know how much you meant to me

A path to guide you

To let you know that when I told you I loved you, I meant it

To let you know that I will always care greatly for you, that I will always be here for you

Something to keep the memory of our love alive, because you meant so much to me that I want to keep it alive

And I feel like you've appreciated none of it

you

I was outside just now, bringing the dogs in, remembering a similar night. Out taking care of the dogs, in my own day-to-day world, knowing all the while that you were safely tucked away in my room. It was a surreal place to be. Doing something I did so routinely in the midst of something so non-routine. I finished up, locked the house, and went back to my room just like I would've any other night. But that night you were lying on my bed, smiling at me, watching whatever dumb show I'd left on. I'd give anything for that again. Just that hour and a half between my bringing the dogs in and the moment I'd drift into peaceful slumber in your arms. Just to watch tv with you, cuddle with you, laugh with you, whatever we filled our nights with. I'd give anything for one more night with you. For one more chance with you. I'd do it so much better this time. And I refuse to apologize for feeling that way. Or stop because anyone tells me to. But I also refuse to be sad when I think of memories like that with you. Instead, I smile. I remember the good and I recognize what I've learned. How much better I could love you now. Or maybe how much better I'll love the next one.

Someone told me today how I should look at now not as the end of a relationship, but as the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We have a truly unique chance at fresh start here. And I intend to take it. I really feel like I can. Getting that talk out of the way lifted this giant weight off my shoulders I never even knew I was carrying. We had something great; but I'm not stuck in the past anymore. Instead, I'm excited for the future. :)

switch

I get it.

I get that this is how things are for now.

I get that your with her.

I get that you're over me.

I get that I have to move on,

That my being in love with you is making this harder on both of us.

I'm at peace with the facts,

But it doesn't make it any easier to turn the feelings off.

Boy did I love you.