Let's talk about sex...

Today I found myself in a very interesting circumstance. We're in history class and I'm sitting in group of girls telling sex stories. This is fairly typical so I didn't think much of it until one of the girls kind of called me out and I realized I was the only virgin in the rather substantial assembly (*awkward turtle*). I found this realization to render an interesting range of emotions.

Firstly, I felt left out. I suddenly realized what a friend of mine had been talking about when they said how once you're in college if you're still a virgin you feel so left out because everyone's "doing it" and you're missing out. It was like they were in some super secret grown up club that united them despite the various social tiers incorporated in the conversation and once again I was just the awkward girl in the corner (not to mention I was, ironically, physically in the corner).

Following this minuet moment of implicit peer pressure leaving me desperately wishing I could join in, I found a second feeling: gratefulness that I wasn't these girls. Not all of them; some of them were in stable, long term relationships (one of whom may be reading this and whom I have very much respect for); but the three doing most of the talking, all of whom I like but none of whom I am close with, used various boys names, making it obvious that there sexual experiences were broad-based and leaving a rather whorish impression. I wouldn't want to be that. As much as I sometimes wish I was more experienced, I wouldn't want to have been with that many guys by the time I was 17.

Not too mention the worry. There's constantly some girl at my school who's worried she might be pregnant, or diseased, or that her so-called boyfriend is also sleeping with someone else. It all just seems like so much drama.

I think the whole thing was really just a wake up call for me. Without too much elaboration, sex is something that has been on my mind the last few months. If given the opportunity, what would I do? And I think I was kind of receiving a lot of pressure from someone to make me think more and more that I would do it, that that was what I wanted. After today I realized it wouldn't be what I wanted at all.

I've never been a "wait until marriage" kind of girl or anything, but listening to these girls I realized it is definitely not something I'm ready for. All the little stresses that it has added to their lives that they now just consider normal, I don't want to deal with that. Soon I am going to be 18, and for once in my life I am finally just going to be able to have myself as my only responsibility. I really am looking forward to that. I need that little bit of selfish before I jump into committing myself to someone else.

I'm starting to realize that I'm not going to be the somewhat promiscuous 20-something I always kind of saw myself becoming; but I'm also starting to be okay with that. So what if I don't kiss a boy til I'm 18, or even til I'm 25? ...Life does a good job at giving me what I want when the time is right. I think I can probably be patient til then.