you

I was outside just now, bringing the dogs in, remembering a similar night. Out taking care of the dogs, in my own day-to-day world, knowing all the while that you were safely tucked away in my room. It was a surreal place to be. Doing something I did so routinely in the midst of something so non-routine. I finished up, locked the house, and went back to my room just like I would've any other night. But that night you were lying on my bed, smiling at me, watching whatever dumb show I'd left on. I'd give anything for that again. Just that hour and a half between my bringing the dogs in and the moment I'd drift into peaceful slumber in your arms. Just to watch tv with you, cuddle with you, laugh with you, whatever we filled our nights with. I'd give anything for one more night with you. For one more chance with you. I'd do it so much better this time. And I refuse to apologize for feeling that way. Or stop because anyone tells me to. But I also refuse to be sad when I think of memories like that with you. Instead, I smile. I remember the good and I recognize what I've learned. How much better I could love you now. Or maybe how much better I'll love the next one.

Someone told me today how I should look at now not as the end of a relationship, but as the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We have a truly unique chance at fresh start here. And I intend to take it. I really feel like I can. Getting that talk out of the way lifted this giant weight off my shoulders I never even knew I was carrying. We had something great; but I'm not stuck in the past anymore. Instead, I'm excited for the future. :)

switch

I get it.

I get that this is how things are for now.

I get that your with her.

I get that you're over me.

I get that I have to move on,

That my being in love with you is making this harder on both of us.

I'm at peace with the facts,

But it doesn't make it any easier to turn the feelings off.

Boy did I love you.

3rd wave feminism

So, we talked.

And it was good.

I think you got it. Like, really got it.

I think you hear me now.

I feel better. At peace.

I drove home with a genuine smile on my face. The first in a long time.

Is it still going to be hard? Yes. Am I still going to love you? Yes. But I'm starting to think I'm always going to love you. And know that that's not pointless; to know that at the very least I can love you as a close friend, that you care about me somewhere too- I feel so much better. Less pathetic. Less alone.

And I'm starting to think, maybe it's time....

Maybe it's time to start moving on.

Maybe that's allowed now.

Things are square with you at last, and I mean, that's really the only thing that's been holding me back. Letting you know I wanted to be with you and making sure you didn't before I moved on. Making sure you knew where I stood...that I gave you a chance...that I didn't hurt you.

Am I going to care about you still? And wish that maybe we can try this again, give it the chance it deserved? Yes. But maybe I'm allowed to be happy too. Maybe I don't have to sit here pining and wallowing waiting for a someday that might never come.

Maybe I can be happy AND have things be good with you again.

Maybe I'm good enough for that.

And do I hope you'll read this? Yes. I hope you see the words I thought you never would, that you get how much you meant to me, how much you mean to me, and that it makes you feel happy and loved and that it makes you smile.

Am I still going to feel the need to spend a great amount of time proving to you that I'm not that person I was for a little bit there? That I'm not some crazed lost party girl? That I'm still the girl you knew, better even? Yes. But I feel much more like we're on the right track for that now.

Do I hope you'll still think about me and care about me like I will you? Yes.

Am I still going to miss you sometimes? Yes.

But not it's not like it was anymore...

You're with her. Okay. You can be with her and have loved me at one point too. It doesn't have to be one or the other like I thought it did. Does it suck for me in the meantime? Yeah. Do I wish things were different? Yeah. But it's time for me to get past this. Because I want to be your friend again, be in your life again if you want me to be - and because you deserve better.

And I'm starting to think maybe I deserve better too.

risk

I've got this pull on me the last few days.

It's telling me to let go, to move forward, to forget you.

And more and more, I want to give in.

I find it odd, because a week ago, the only thing I wanted was you back.

So I fight it.

I fight to keep you in my thoughts, remember the love, remember how I felt.

But why?

Why am I fighting it?

Why am I so desperate to hang on to you?

Maybe because I'm scared.

Maybe it won't be as good the next time.

Maybe it will never be that good.

Maybe it will be worse, much worse.

What if I end up in an abusive relationship like so many statistics say I will?

What if no one ever loves me again?

What if I'm not worthy of being loved?

What if you were it, and I blew it?

Maybe it's because I feel guilty.

I did such wrong to you.

I want to fix it.

I want us to be good again.

I want to love you for always no matter what like I promised you I would.

I don't want to be with someone else because even though I know you'll be fine, you being with someone else hurts me so much and I don't ever want to hurt you like that.

But maybe this is a good thing.

They tell me it is.

That everything I'm feeling is normal.

That it's healthy to move forward.

But it's terrifying.

Somehow it didn't scare me at all to give my heart to someone,

I was desperate for it in fact.

But when it comes to be broken, to pick up the pieces, go back out there, and know that the next few times probably won't make it either - I don't think I have the strength.

Love shouldn't be this scary.

And this would all be so much easier if you weren't so far ahead.

If we'd settled things.

Couldn't you have finished one story before writing over it with the next?

Can't I just love you for always?

I like that one.

I know that one.

It's what I wanted.

It's safe.

I miss being with you.

Life wasn't so scary all the time.

Broken

My bed feels so empty without you in it.

And I get it, you're not mine, it's not like you belong here anymore.

But I want you.

I'm sitting here, and all I can think about, all I could think about yesterday, was my birthday last year.

Right now, a year ago, we were cuddling and in love. I was trying to convince you to wait another ten minutes to leave.

I'm sitting here, and I actually don't know if I have the strength to get out of bed.

I didn't want you to leave then, and I don't want you to leave now.

Come back to bed. Cuddle more.

I wish I could go back six months, I'd do it all differently.

Cause right now, I don't want to move forward. Every day I live it's another day I'm writing over one that I once spent with you.

I feel like I'm even starting to loose some of the memories.

Do you even remember me at all?

Last night we're all just sitting there. And I'm looking at how absolutely beautiful you look and thinking how all I wanted was for you to kiss me and I just absolutely lost it. I don't think I've ever cried so hard.

But then I've never grieved a loss this big.

I've never loved anything this much.

And it sucks. It sucks so much because I know you're not here. I know I hurt you. I hurt you so bad that you still hate me for it, whether you'll admit it or not.

It's not like it was. The kindness is gone from your eyes and it breaks my heart.

I had this dream last night. I was in this shadowy labyrinth of buildings. I'd only ever see you for a second before you'd disappear. This beautiful glistening figure. I was chasing you. As fast as I could. But more and more you just became a shadow. When I finally reached you, my hand went right through you as you vanished in a puff of smoke. And I was just cold and alone in a dark urban maze. I've never felt so hopelessly empty.

I'd fix it if I could you know. I'd go back in time, and I'd erase everything I've done. I'd fix things with you before they were broken.

It's like I told you about it being too late. I'm at that place Nathan. That one you wanted me at six months ago were you needed a solid commitment on whether I was in this or not. And now I'm here. I'm here and I know absolutely truly and definitively you are the one person in the world I want to be with. And I can't do a damned thing about it because I lost my chance.

Maybe I'd go back farther then a year. Maybe I'd go back to May. Never start talking to you. Never let myself like you. Undo it all.

Because every time I'm away from you it hurts. And every time I'm with you I feel farther from you than I've ever been.

I want to make some big romantic gesture. Something straight of Hollywood, something to undo the bad. Something to win you back and prove to you how much you mean to me so strongly that it melts the ice in your heart.

But life isn't like the movies. No amount of I'm sorry will ever save me in your eyes I'm afraid.

This guilt is killing me. I broke the only good thing life ever gave me.

I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this.

getting along

Please, stop treating me like I'm going to break. I won't. I can promise you that. I've been through so much worse than you. You don't have to tip-toe. Or watch your words. Or be so goddamn nice all the time. How are you so nice all the time?

Yeah, I get it, I'm all in love with you and you're all with someone else. I can't get over you and it's embarrassing and it's pathetic, but don't act like it's something you did. You don't have to be scared of your "big bad power over me". I'm not your responsibility. This isn't your doing. It's mine. If I wanted to stop loving you, I probably could. You don't get to make or break me; only I get to do that. But I don't want to stop loving you just yet. I don't want to give up hope just yet. Especially with this tip-toeing, this getting along, this you being so nice and it feeling like old times and me fantasizing that maybe it could be again.

I wish you'd yelled at me. I wish you'd yell at me. I wish you'd call me and scream and be terrible. Just let me know you feel fucking something.

It'd be so much easier to hate you than it is to love you.

too little, too late

I waited for what felt like forever for today. I rehearsed it, I wrote it down - I had speeches, and bullet points, and letters. But when the moment came...I don't know...

I sat there and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to let it end. I didn't feel resolved. I left feeling like when we'd get in a fight, and I'd call you right back and we'd fix things...But I couldn't call you back this time.

For a second, I was swimming in this moment of you and me. For a second time didn't exist. For a second it felt like old times. For a second I hoped in possibility.

It wasn't how I pictured it. There wasn't this magic moment that fixed everything. In fact, I think I feel more broken than ever now that it's come and it's gone and it didn't bring you back to me. I think I said everything I needed to. But it came out all jumbled and different. The emotion I intended to convey wasn't really there. Or maybe I just realized that we aren't in the same place anymore like I hoped we'd be.

Do you know how sorry I am? Do you know how guilty I feel?

And call it what you will but I still say you're clearly the winner. So cool and collected. So well-adjusted. How does nothing touch you like that? How did I affect you so little and you me so much? They're words you don't owe me, but still - I wish I had some kind of proof. Some reassurance that somewhere, I mattered.

I still hate myself for what's happened, for how things got. I still blame myself. Mostly because after today I feel like everything might be different, everything I want might've been mine again if I'd just picked up a goddamn phone.

submerged in fearful contradiction

It's weird to be home. Really weird.

Everything feels the same. Everything feels different....

------------------------------------

the time has come

we need to talk

i need to talk

i need you to listen

i need you to hear me

i need to hear you

i need to hear some voice, other than the one in my head

to gain an outside perspective, to gain clarity

i'm caught in this place of confusion

between past and present

scared to take even the slightest step

scared to move into the future

scared to lose who i am, where i'm coming from

scared to lose something so precious again, because i carelessly toss it away,

i might not yet have learned it's value

so much i've been carrying with me

the burden breaks my back

but i'm scared to let it go

i've been carrying so much for so long

my pain and my burdens are my identity

i don't know who i am without them

what if i'm no one?

and furthermore, what if i'm no one to you?

i hate the thought. it breaks my heart

it makes me feel terrible and guilty

it makes me terrified to move on because i don't ever want you to think that you will ever being anything less then everything to me

but what if you're not?

what if i do move on?

what if i find someone better?

what if i love someone else?

that seems unfair to you.

i don't want to be replaced. so how could i replace you?

i wonder a lot, what i would change if i could

it's a catch 22 you see

i couldn't be where i am today if i hadn't been where i've been

i wouldn't know that i wanted you if i hadn't've lost you

i wouldn't know who i am if i hadn't seen who i wasn't

but still...

if i could go back, knowing what i know now, would i do it differently?

and if i had done differently, would it be better?

...would it be worse?

sometimes i feel like i don't know any better then when i was seven

what would i tell her if i could?

cause i can't think of any ground-breaking advice

i still feel powerless, and lonely, and all the other fears of the big bad world

do those ever go away? for any of us?

will i ever know what i want, decisively, and be able to act on it?

and if that day comes, will it be too late?

i don't like change.

i don't like things i can't see,

things i can't control

they scare me.

i like to see the future, to know the outcome

i like for things to stay the same

they can't, i know

time passes. things change

but somehow i can't help but fight the current

go against the flow of change

i keep chasing my past because it's familiar

i'm not so sure i'll like the future