too little, too late

I waited for what felt like forever for today. I rehearsed it, I wrote it down - I had speeches, and bullet points, and letters. But when the moment came...I don't know...

I sat there and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to let it end. I didn't feel resolved. I left feeling like when we'd get in a fight, and I'd call you right back and we'd fix things...But I couldn't call you back this time.

For a second, I was swimming in this moment of you and me. For a second time didn't exist. For a second it felt like old times. For a second I hoped in possibility.

It wasn't how I pictured it. There wasn't this magic moment that fixed everything. In fact, I think I feel more broken than ever now that it's come and it's gone and it didn't bring you back to me. I think I said everything I needed to. But it came out all jumbled and different. The emotion I intended to convey wasn't really there. Or maybe I just realized that we aren't in the same place anymore like I hoped we'd be.

Do you know how sorry I am? Do you know how guilty I feel?

And call it what you will but I still say you're clearly the winner. So cool and collected. So well-adjusted. How does nothing touch you like that? How did I affect you so little and you me so much? They're words you don't owe me, but still - I wish I had some kind of proof. Some reassurance that somewhere, I mattered.

I still hate myself for what's happened, for how things got. I still blame myself. Mostly because after today I feel like everything might be different, everything I want might've been mine again if I'd just picked up a goddamn phone.