Broken

My bed feels so empty without you in it.

And I get it, you're not mine, it's not like you belong here anymore.

But I want you.

I'm sitting here, and all I can think about, all I could think about yesterday, was my birthday last year.

Right now, a year ago, we were cuddling and in love. I was trying to convince you to wait another ten minutes to leave.

I'm sitting here, and I actually don't know if I have the strength to get out of bed.

I didn't want you to leave then, and I don't want you to leave now.

Come back to bed. Cuddle more.

I wish I could go back six months, I'd do it all differently.

Cause right now, I don't want to move forward. Every day I live it's another day I'm writing over one that I once spent with you.

I feel like I'm even starting to loose some of the memories.

Do you even remember me at all?

Last night we're all just sitting there. And I'm looking at how absolutely beautiful you look and thinking how all I wanted was for you to kiss me and I just absolutely lost it. I don't think I've ever cried so hard.

But then I've never grieved a loss this big.

I've never loved anything this much.

And it sucks. It sucks so much because I know you're not here. I know I hurt you. I hurt you so bad that you still hate me for it, whether you'll admit it or not.

It's not like it was. The kindness is gone from your eyes and it breaks my heart.

I had this dream last night. I was in this shadowy labyrinth of buildings. I'd only ever see you for a second before you'd disappear. This beautiful glistening figure. I was chasing you. As fast as I could. But more and more you just became a shadow. When I finally reached you, my hand went right through you as you vanished in a puff of smoke. And I was just cold and alone in a dark urban maze. I've never felt so hopelessly empty.

I'd fix it if I could you know. I'd go back in time, and I'd erase everything I've done. I'd fix things with you before they were broken.

It's like I told you about it being too late. I'm at that place Nathan. That one you wanted me at six months ago were you needed a solid commitment on whether I was in this or not. And now I'm here. I'm here and I know absolutely truly and definitively you are the one person in the world I want to be with. And I can't do a damned thing about it because I lost my chance.

Maybe I'd go back farther then a year. Maybe I'd go back to May. Never start talking to you. Never let myself like you. Undo it all.

Because every time I'm away from you it hurts. And every time I'm with you I feel farther from you than I've ever been.

I want to make some big romantic gesture. Something straight of Hollywood, something to undo the bad. Something to win you back and prove to you how much you mean to me so strongly that it melts the ice in your heart.

But life isn't like the movies. No amount of I'm sorry will ever save me in your eyes I'm afraid.

This guilt is killing me. I broke the only good thing life ever gave me.

I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this.