risk

I've got this pull on me the last few days.

It's telling me to let go, to move forward, to forget you.

And more and more, I want to give in.

I find it odd, because a week ago, the only thing I wanted was you back.

So I fight it.

I fight to keep you in my thoughts, remember the love, remember how I felt.

But why?

Why am I fighting it?

Why am I so desperate to hang on to you?

Maybe because I'm scared.

Maybe it won't be as good the next time.

Maybe it will never be that good.

Maybe it will be worse, much worse.

What if I end up in an abusive relationship like so many statistics say I will?

What if no one ever loves me again?

What if I'm not worthy of being loved?

What if you were it, and I blew it?

Maybe it's because I feel guilty.

I did such wrong to you.

I want to fix it.

I want us to be good again.

I want to love you for always no matter what like I promised you I would.

I don't want to be with someone else because even though I know you'll be fine, you being with someone else hurts me so much and I don't ever want to hurt you like that.

But maybe this is a good thing.

They tell me it is.

That everything I'm feeling is normal.

That it's healthy to move forward.

But it's terrifying.

Somehow it didn't scare me at all to give my heart to someone,

I was desperate for it in fact.

But when it comes to be broken, to pick up the pieces, go back out there, and know that the next few times probably won't make it either - I don't think I have the strength.

Love shouldn't be this scary.

And this would all be so much easier if you weren't so far ahead.

If we'd settled things.

Couldn't you have finished one story before writing over it with the next?

Can't I just love you for always?

I like that one.

I know that one.

It's what I wanted.

It's safe.

I miss being with you.

Life wasn't so scary all the time.