Keeping Score

Why is it that when guys and girls hook up, the guy gets high fives and the girl snide remarks? It's the very reason I swore I would never date a Palma boy. I mean things were complicated enough when I tried to date a York boy. But with my flavor of the moment being of the same social circle, it's like my friends are all up in my business. It started cute with them wanting us to be together, and I guess it still is, and initially, I was the one they were high-five-ing. I know they have the best of intentions and they only tease me because they love me; but as the one who normally dishes out the satirical jabs, they're a little difficult to take.

Today after school for instance. Me, Spam, boy-in-question, and some of our guy friends are chilling in the parking lot and I got chastised like no other. Now part of this is because I'm overly sensitive about people making fun of me, and part of it is that I'm a prude so anyone making reference to me in any sort of sexual situation makes me ridiculously uncomfortable (plus bad flash back of elementary boys kicking dirt in my face because I was "ugly"; I just sense the male-driven blow to my self-esteem in tow), but the references made indicated that they know exactly what happened Saturday night, and I know I didn't tell them, so clearly, he did. And I'll admitt, hooking up with a guy you are not with somewhat randomly at a party (especially when you fail to be subtle about it) is asking for trouble; but suddenly my friends are making me question the morality of my choices and the foundation of the very thing they once encouraged.

I'm not naive. I know that some of my guy friends have or have had a crushes on me. I had this great thing going where I was that awesome, unattainable girl. Today those same guys are standing there, making jokes about my being a slut. They've always done this, but suddenly, probably entirely through fault of my conscience kicking in, I sensed venom in their pestering. I found myself beginning to question if they were right. Is this what my actions have reduced me to? Have I ruined the good thing I had going and become just another one of the girls in our social circle? ...I've suddenly become ridiculously aware that for guys, hooking up is like a scoreboard and even with the sweetest boys, to some extent, all girls are just a piece of ass.

And worse then realizing something that I thought was special (I know, I know, I'm such a girl) was just viewed as another point on someone's scoreboard and the fear that I've destroyed my reputation, is that I'm now worried what my guy thinks of me. I know he doesn't like their bullshit. What if their interfering makes him not like me too? In worst possible scenario (aka the conclusion my mind always jumps to first) what if I've become such a joke that he decides he's hit that and doesn't want it anymore? I was so excited when we survived the three week curse (within the third week of the first ask out, any boy I've ever had a thing with stops talking to me) but we were already in this weird relationship limbo, maybe I got my hopes up too soon. Ironic that the time I could most use a fifteen minute conversation with him before this crashes and burns, I do just that to my mode of transportation. :P