caged

You told me I had nothing to apologize for, but I can't...

You don't understand how much it kills me to know how much I hurt you.

It's not the memories, or the missing you; it's the guilt that will never let me move on.

I could beg at your feet, tell you I'm sorry a million times over.

But I can't undo it.

I can't fix you.

I hate what I've done.

I hate that I hurt you.

I don't deserve to be happy.

I will never be free.

Hello Again

Whelp I did it. I survived a semester without you, lovely blog of mine, but I missed you quite terribly.

I've been putting off posting again for fear of mediocrity. I mean that last post was a full conclusion. I feel like at this point I'm carrying on a story that may already have been told, wrapped up, loose ends tied. I'd hate for my blog to become Smallville, or 7th Heaven, or Land Before Time, or any other great story that was ruined because they had to milk it dry - they just couldn't let go and in the process, they ruined something special.

But maybe there's somewhere in the middle. I like my privacy. I like keeping my facebook friends small and my personal life private. But this blog still means so much. I still find myself reflective sometimes, not wanting to over-share with my tumblr anons by posting deep poetry or personal reflection. So maybe I'll leave that here. Make this more of my poetry and maybe a blog every once and a while.

I talked in my last post about starting this blog at a place of confusion, self-searching and transition, and whelp, I find myself at yet another crossroads in my life. I have learned and grown so incredibly much last year. I am so strong and so independent and so incredibly proud of myself. And I did it without anyone's support, or encouragement, or rushing into anyone's arms. And I didn't do it for anyone's approval; I did it for me. But this year I have found that the more I learn, the more I realize how much I have to learn. And maybe this blog can be the place of self-reflection that it so powerfully once was yet again. Maybe it can be a place where it's okay to over-share just a bit. To whine about loose ends and life drama and lost friends and gained enemies and boys, and crazy shit I get myself into.

So I guess what I'm saying now is that I'm ready to carry this blog with me into the next chapter of my life. Like myself, much will stay the same; but I'm sure much will be different too. I can't promise you the PG-13 rom-com that was my stories, because that's not my life anymore. But if you want to take this journey with me, see where it leads.... maybe I'm willing to try opening up again.

Oh why hello

Hey there blogosphere. I know I have a few loyal followers out there and for them I felt like I should write. I don't know that you'll be hearing for me for sometime after this, and I didn't want you to feel abandoned. (Considerate, aren't I? :P)

You see not only is it that it seems brilliant writing comes to us most easily in times of pain, which I have not been in a while and do not foresee in my future for some time, but also that there's something in me that doesn't feel the need to write anymore, almost doesn't want to.

I felt lost and scared in a world I didn't understand those seven years ago that I started this blog. 13 is a tough age. I felt alone in the world, and I really just wanted somebody, anybody, to listen. So I wrote. I wrote and I wrote and I typed out words intricately scrutinizing over the details every single time I felt sad or alone or maybe just contemplative. I poured my heart and soul into this blog, not with the goal of anyone I new ever seeing it, but just because knowing it was out there somewhere that someone just might find, that someone just might see, that someone might just understand me for even a millisecond - it made me feel not so alone.

And then there came the time of others knowing, of people I knew finding my words, commenting on them. And though I loved the thought of them listening, though I loved the kind complimentary words and the fact that someone besides me appreciated my writings as much as did; but it also made me feel quite a bit more naked than I was ready for. I have never been a strong secure person capable of independently standing on her own two feet, unafraid of what may come. Instead I've spent a life guided by others opinions, constantly frightened of someone watching. Living by another's opinions and moral code, constantly afraid of judgement or of letting those people who's words I lived by down in someway. This was a struggle for me in my writing. What if I wrote something wrong? They would see it. I would let them down. They might realize that maybe I'm not as brilliant as they think I am. How will I ever live up to the expectation I felt in their complimentary words? This began shape my writing. A constant battle with myself; scared to be honest, but trying to find courage. That was what my blog always was; I couldn't let people take that from me. I thank those people for reading. I thank them for their words. I thank them for helping me find the strength to be honest.

And then there was the last torturous epoch of months. Bless the hearts of those of you who stuck around because even I look back and feel like it was torturous. Months and months where I wasn't talking to Nathan, I wanted so very badly to talk to Nathan, but rather than grow a pair, scared of vulnerability and of rejection, I poured my heart into my blog. Everything I so desperately wanted to say to him I put here. Hoping oh so desperately he might find it, thinking him riddled with curiosity as I so desperately was of his life. (Of course I later learned he didn't dare look because he was terrified of what horrible things I was probably saying about him. Still hasn't probably. Oh contraire.)

I can't say I'll never be back, but it's definitely time for a little break. You see, I reached that point I was always dreaming of. Standing completely on my own two feet, the hell with the neigh sayers. My last semester basically took everything that could possibly go wrong to a person, shook it up and a bottle, and blew a lovely tornado of chaos my way. I'm pretty sure I made every wrong decision I possibly could've along the way. I also did so far to publicly which cost me gravely and taught me how easily it is to destroy a lifetimes worth of reputation. (And I'm so incredible grateful for that glorious mess. I don't think I have grown nearly as much in all my years as life demanded of me within just this last.) But now? Now I'm here, in this moment, living actively and responsibly.

We live in this world where it's so easy to become a slave to technology. Combine that with teenage insecurity and you've got this deadly need to always look cool and hip and good. To give and give and give of yourself just trying to keep up appearances. Just as much as people don't need to know my bad, they don't need to know my good either.

My life is mine. No one else's. It's not about trying be "in" with facebook "friends" I barely know. It's not about always having to be cool or perfect. It's not about giving so much of yourself to the world all the time. It's not about pouring your heart out online where anyone can see. Live it for you. Let the special people in and screw the rest of them. And if people want to know something about you, let them ask. Don't make it so easy for people to get so much of you. Make them work for it. Because you deserve it. You are a truly unique, wonderful, special human being. You deserve the moon. And more than that, you certainly deserve people in your life who have to work to be in it. Your friendship, your heart, your story - it's a prize. Don't give it away. Save it for those who will treat it as such and who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. All of us are worthy of and deserving of that. Remember it.

So as for now, I'm back at school and loving it. I've got purple hair. I've got a great job and a really amazing guy and wonderful friends and things are good. That boy I was so heartbroken about? Out of my life at his choice, and I'm feeling all the better for it. I'm sober. I'm happy. Everyday is a new challenge and for once that doesn't scare me, it makes me hungry to meet it. It's life and it's crazy and mixed up and a beautiful mess and I love it. I wouldn't change a thing, past or present.

And as for you my lovelies, thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for withholding judgement. Thank you for encouraging comments. Thank you for putting up with the full and total insanity that is Katherine Elizabeth Stevens and sticking around anyway. Whether it continues or not, thank you for taking this journey with me. Few are blessed with something as precious as the blog experience has been for me and I'm so grateful for it. I hope you are fortunate enough to find such kindness and wonder in your own future travels.

And don't forget, never be afraid to be who you are; settle for nothing less than you deserve - no matter what.

xo

Dependency

It makes me a little sad, this...

That I don't know how to function without some pill.

Just of a shell of a person anymore. I can't even "be" without some chemical telling me how.

Keeping me awake, keeping me focused, keeping me happy, keeping me "sane".

That I don't know how to have sex without feeling miserable after.

It had meaning once, but fuck it now. Pointless really. Even when they care I just feel used and hurt. Like love almost makes it worse. I'd rather you not know my name, or be sweet, or let me give a fuck about you. It's easier to focus on the physical act that way. Far less likely to ensue messy feelings.

That I can't eat anymore. Because between the pills and the upset I can't keep anything down. Funny how I'm starving to death and all I hear is "you look good" "keep it up" "you could loose five more pounds". Caring. Considerate. Good to know I have people looking out for my well-being.

That I find myself with nothing but fair-weather friends.

That I find myself building a life, building memories, building relationships only to have them all torn down and have to start all over again.

That the thing I've always been best at is self destruction.

So watch me burn baby. It's going to be a glorious sight.

adventure is out there

Maybe I'll be that girl who travels the world in love with possibility.

Maybe I'll be the one who settles down in suburbia to be a soccer mom.

Maybe I'll be an award winning journalist, or a justice-seeking policy maker.

Maybe dye my hair purple just for the hell of it.

Or maybe I'll just be boring old mistake-making reckless me, searching for myself as long as I live

I don't know who I'll be yet. Or where I'll go. Or who I'll meet.

But I'm starting to see that it's bigger than here. It's bigger than high school or the friends I've acquired in these 19 years.

It's terrifying, but it's time to let go.

I don't want to say goodbye to here. It's scary to think that the house I call home will no longer be here in a few short months; everything is about to be different.

It's scary to accept that the friends that were once family may not always be a part of my life.

It's scary, but it's time.

It's time to say goodbye to Nathan too. And I know I've said that a million times, that I talk about him constantly.

And god, I can't even express how sad and hurt and angry it all still makes me.

I want so badly for things to be different between us.

I'd give anything to make things different.

But I can't build a time machine.

I can't live in regret of choices I made not knowing better.

And I am so goddamn tired of trying so hard to be friends with someone who says one thing, but really doesn't seem to care.

I'm tired of living my life under a microscope.

Tired of caring so much what other people think.

Tired of stupid high school drama.

Tired of living my life in the same cycle of creation and destruction.

Tired of living for others instead of myself.

Tired of existing in fear rather than truly living.

So I think it's time...

Time to let go.

Time to move on.

Time to start fresh.

I almost respect what Frances did. She moved away and she cut ties with home and she let herself start a new life of bigger and better things.

And while I in no way intend to cut everyone out, or drastically change, or become ridiculously religious, I think maybe it's time I follow in her footsteps.

Goodbye home. You've been the only place I've every really felt at home, and I'll miss you.

Goodbye friends. You've been laughs and memories. There through thick and thin. More family to me than blood, and I'll never forget you.

Goodbye Nathan. The best thing to ever happen to my life so far. You changed everything I believed in and everything I was as a person. You taught me to love. You gave me amazing lessons and memories. God I want it to be different, but it can't. You I'll miss the most, but it's time to let you go; time to cut you out. I owe it to myself.

Goodbye high school. Four of the best years of my life, spilling over into a fifth.

Amazing, but gone and over. And I think I get that now. I think I'm ready to let go of that world and embrace new possibilities.

There's a whole world out there.

And all take all this home has given me,

But I'm ready to go explore. <3

If I die young...

I wonder sometimes, what words they'd say at my funeral

If I died tomorrow, who would care?

Who would show up?

My friends I suppose. If only out of obligation.

Maybe some others. Those that go to funerals to improve reputation.

My family I'm sure; for them I'd feel the sorriest.

But what about the others?

Would he go?

If I were dead would that make him give a fuck about me?

It's morbid I guess, but I can't help it.

I know I won't,

But I contemplate the idea of suicide now and again.

Always have.

It's like this comforting crystal ball I like to juggle on the edge of my palm.

Knowing at any second it might drop,

while at the same time staring into it's beauty and wonder, knowing something precious is in my hands.

But there's moments like these.

Moments were it hurts so bad I can't turn it off.

I can't control it.

I feel nothing but pity, and sorrow, and loneliness, and like such an absolute unwanted freak.

Moments like these that the idea of never waking up tomorrow -

or sooner even; ending it all in the next five minutes -

it seems like the sweetest gift I could give myself.

The peace,

the quiet.

I've never found it here.

No matter how much I search I can't seem too.

So it's hard not to wonder if perhaps it's time to let go of this world; if maybe that which I seek is waiting for me somewhere else.

So I wonder, what would they say?

Who would take the blame?

Would they claim me troubled?

Lie and call it some "tragedy."

Would they suddenly care?

Would they read the words I've written?

Find sudden brillance in what was once just a mere girl?

Or would I simply slip away?

For surely no school would hold grand ceremony; no one would get bumper stickers or tattoo their backs.

So what would they say about me?

Who would notice?

Would I shake any realities?

Touch any hearts?

If I died tomorrow,

would that finally be enough for you to care?

bathwater

Do you remember that night in July?

I was drunk off Jack we washed down with grape juice chasers. Smoking cigars in my back yard. My friend Alex was visiting. It was the first time I'd ever been drunk. And you were pissed. The only sober responsible one. You felt manipulated, and I could tell you were upset, and I wanted so much to apologize, but my drunk self couldn't focus enough to figure out how. So I sat in my room waiting for you to get back from taking everyone home and you came in, and you kissed me and told me I tasted like alcohol. But even smelling like whiskey you still cuddled me. And we took a bath. Our first bath together. And we cuddled. And I rambled drunkenly on. And the warm water was amazing. And your kisses. And I felt so safe and so happy. And I know you were mad. That you felt used. That you probably look back on that night with a little anger. You being so moral and my messing up and annoying you. That's kind of how I felt about our whole relationship. I was never good enough. Always just messing up and annoying you. But I look at that night differently. To me that night was magic. It was heaven.

And just like that night I never think I'll ever be able to explain enough how sorry I am and how much I want you not to be mad at me anymore. How I just want for you to enjoy this moment with me and be happy.

And just like that night "I love you. I love you. I love you. ...this many. *reaches out arms*"

And I have longer arms, so I will always win. <3

muffins

I don't know if you have any idea what today is, but I sure do.

A year ago today I lost my virginity to you.

After much deliberation, and late night phone calls discussing all the ramifications of sex, the moment came where I knew whole-heartedly that I was ready. That things were perfect.

And I don't regret it. I don't regret it at all.

That was the best weekend of my life.
Watching Mean Girls, eating muffins and making Betty White jokes, being so completely in love with you.

But I do wonder if somehow things might be easier if I hadn't.

Maybe if sex hadn't entered the equation this wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe I wouldn't've made some of the mistakes I've made since.

I dunno.

I don't even know if you know what today is, or if you care.

Especially with the way things are now.

How did we get so broken?

We tell each other how much we want to be friends, but nothing seems to change.

I close my eyes and wish for a moment that things were different. That we were together. That I could call you and tell you how much I love you and care about you and we could spend today together and be happy.

But that's not real. And I can't torture myself like this anymore.

I know it isn't likely, but I still hope I get another chance with you someday. In all honesty, even if I did, I feel like we're both to different now. It wouldn't work out. But I wish I could build a time machine and stay as "us" a little longer. It was beautiful to be in love with you. I miss it and often think of it fondly.

I miss you. And I love you. And I will always love you. If only for that one night, and how very much it/you meant to me.

And I hope you remember what today means too. (But you probably don't :/)

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

August 8th (because technically it was 2am) - forever in my heart

breadcrumbs

I feel like I've left all these little breadcrumbs for you

Trails back to where we were

Pieces to let you know how much you meant to me

A path to guide you

To let you know that when I told you I loved you, I meant it

To let you know that I will always care greatly for you, that I will always be here for you

Something to keep the memory of our love alive, because you meant so much to me that I want to keep it alive

And I feel like you've appreciated none of it

you

I was outside just now, bringing the dogs in, remembering a similar night. Out taking care of the dogs, in my own day-to-day world, knowing all the while that you were safely tucked away in my room. It was a surreal place to be. Doing something I did so routinely in the midst of something so non-routine. I finished up, locked the house, and went back to my room just like I would've any other night. But that night you were lying on my bed, smiling at me, watching whatever dumb show I'd left on. I'd give anything for that again. Just that hour and a half between my bringing the dogs in and the moment I'd drift into peaceful slumber in your arms. Just to watch tv with you, cuddle with you, laugh with you, whatever we filled our nights with. I'd give anything for one more night with you. For one more chance with you. I'd do it so much better this time. And I refuse to apologize for feeling that way. Or stop because anyone tells me to. But I also refuse to be sad when I think of memories like that with you. Instead, I smile. I remember the good and I recognize what I've learned. How much better I could love you now. Or maybe how much better I'll love the next one.

Someone told me today how I should look at now not as the end of a relationship, but as the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We have a truly unique chance at fresh start here. And I intend to take it. I really feel like I can. Getting that talk out of the way lifted this giant weight off my shoulders I never even knew I was carrying. We had something great; but I'm not stuck in the past anymore. Instead, I'm excited for the future. :)

switch

I get it.

I get that this is how things are for now.

I get that your with her.

I get that you're over me.

I get that I have to move on,

That my being in love with you is making this harder on both of us.

I'm at peace with the facts,

But it doesn't make it any easier to turn the feelings off.

Boy did I love you.

3rd wave feminism

So, we talked.

And it was good.

I think you got it. Like, really got it.

I think you hear me now.

I feel better. At peace.

I drove home with a genuine smile on my face. The first in a long time.

Is it still going to be hard? Yes. Am I still going to love you? Yes. But I'm starting to think I'm always going to love you. And know that that's not pointless; to know that at the very least I can love you as a close friend, that you care about me somewhere too- I feel so much better. Less pathetic. Less alone.

And I'm starting to think, maybe it's time....

Maybe it's time to start moving on.

Maybe that's allowed now.

Things are square with you at last, and I mean, that's really the only thing that's been holding me back. Letting you know I wanted to be with you and making sure you didn't before I moved on. Making sure you knew where I stood...that I gave you a chance...that I didn't hurt you.

Am I going to care about you still? And wish that maybe we can try this again, give it the chance it deserved? Yes. But maybe I'm allowed to be happy too. Maybe I don't have to sit here pining and wallowing waiting for a someday that might never come.

Maybe I can be happy AND have things be good with you again.

Maybe I'm good enough for that.

And do I hope you'll read this? Yes. I hope you see the words I thought you never would, that you get how much you meant to me, how much you mean to me, and that it makes you feel happy and loved and that it makes you smile.

Am I still going to feel the need to spend a great amount of time proving to you that I'm not that person I was for a little bit there? That I'm not some crazed lost party girl? That I'm still the girl you knew, better even? Yes. But I feel much more like we're on the right track for that now.

Do I hope you'll still think about me and care about me like I will you? Yes.

Am I still going to miss you sometimes? Yes.

But not it's not like it was anymore...

You're with her. Okay. You can be with her and have loved me at one point too. It doesn't have to be one or the other like I thought it did. Does it suck for me in the meantime? Yeah. Do I wish things were different? Yeah. But it's time for me to get past this. Because I want to be your friend again, be in your life again if you want me to be - and because you deserve better.

And I'm starting to think maybe I deserve better too.

risk

I've got this pull on me the last few days.

It's telling me to let go, to move forward, to forget you.

And more and more, I want to give in.

I find it odd, because a week ago, the only thing I wanted was you back.

So I fight it.

I fight to keep you in my thoughts, remember the love, remember how I felt.

But why?

Why am I fighting it?

Why am I so desperate to hang on to you?

Maybe because I'm scared.

Maybe it won't be as good the next time.

Maybe it will never be that good.

Maybe it will be worse, much worse.

What if I end up in an abusive relationship like so many statistics say I will?

What if no one ever loves me again?

What if I'm not worthy of being loved?

What if you were it, and I blew it?

Maybe it's because I feel guilty.

I did such wrong to you.

I want to fix it.

I want us to be good again.

I want to love you for always no matter what like I promised you I would.

I don't want to be with someone else because even though I know you'll be fine, you being with someone else hurts me so much and I don't ever want to hurt you like that.

But maybe this is a good thing.

They tell me it is.

That everything I'm feeling is normal.

That it's healthy to move forward.

But it's terrifying.

Somehow it didn't scare me at all to give my heart to someone,

I was desperate for it in fact.

But when it comes to be broken, to pick up the pieces, go back out there, and know that the next few times probably won't make it either - I don't think I have the strength.

Love shouldn't be this scary.

And this would all be so much easier if you weren't so far ahead.

If we'd settled things.

Couldn't you have finished one story before writing over it with the next?

Can't I just love you for always?

I like that one.

I know that one.

It's what I wanted.

It's safe.

I miss being with you.

Life wasn't so scary all the time.

Broken

My bed feels so empty without you in it.

And I get it, you're not mine, it's not like you belong here anymore.

But I want you.

I'm sitting here, and all I can think about, all I could think about yesterday, was my birthday last year.

Right now, a year ago, we were cuddling and in love. I was trying to convince you to wait another ten minutes to leave.

I'm sitting here, and I actually don't know if I have the strength to get out of bed.

I didn't want you to leave then, and I don't want you to leave now.

Come back to bed. Cuddle more.

I wish I could go back six months, I'd do it all differently.

Cause right now, I don't want to move forward. Every day I live it's another day I'm writing over one that I once spent with you.

I feel like I'm even starting to loose some of the memories.

Do you even remember me at all?

Last night we're all just sitting there. And I'm looking at how absolutely beautiful you look and thinking how all I wanted was for you to kiss me and I just absolutely lost it. I don't think I've ever cried so hard.

But then I've never grieved a loss this big.

I've never loved anything this much.

And it sucks. It sucks so much because I know you're not here. I know I hurt you. I hurt you so bad that you still hate me for it, whether you'll admit it or not.

It's not like it was. The kindness is gone from your eyes and it breaks my heart.

I had this dream last night. I was in this shadowy labyrinth of buildings. I'd only ever see you for a second before you'd disappear. This beautiful glistening figure. I was chasing you. As fast as I could. But more and more you just became a shadow. When I finally reached you, my hand went right through you as you vanished in a puff of smoke. And I was just cold and alone in a dark urban maze. I've never felt so hopelessly empty.

I'd fix it if I could you know. I'd go back in time, and I'd erase everything I've done. I'd fix things with you before they were broken.

It's like I told you about it being too late. I'm at that place Nathan. That one you wanted me at six months ago were you needed a solid commitment on whether I was in this or not. And now I'm here. I'm here and I know absolutely truly and definitively you are the one person in the world I want to be with. And I can't do a damned thing about it because I lost my chance.

Maybe I'd go back farther then a year. Maybe I'd go back to May. Never start talking to you. Never let myself like you. Undo it all.

Because every time I'm away from you it hurts. And every time I'm with you I feel farther from you than I've ever been.

I want to make some big romantic gesture. Something straight of Hollywood, something to undo the bad. Something to win you back and prove to you how much you mean to me so strongly that it melts the ice in your heart.

But life isn't like the movies. No amount of I'm sorry will ever save me in your eyes I'm afraid.

This guilt is killing me. I broke the only good thing life ever gave me.

I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this.

getting along

Please, stop treating me like I'm going to break. I won't. I can promise you that. I've been through so much worse than you. You don't have to tip-toe. Or watch your words. Or be so goddamn nice all the time. How are you so nice all the time?

Yeah, I get it, I'm all in love with you and you're all with someone else. I can't get over you and it's embarrassing and it's pathetic, but don't act like it's something you did. You don't have to be scared of your "big bad power over me". I'm not your responsibility. This isn't your doing. It's mine. If I wanted to stop loving you, I probably could. You don't get to make or break me; only I get to do that. But I don't want to stop loving you just yet. I don't want to give up hope just yet. Especially with this tip-toeing, this getting along, this you being so nice and it feeling like old times and me fantasizing that maybe it could be again.

I wish you'd yelled at me. I wish you'd yell at me. I wish you'd call me and scream and be terrible. Just let me know you feel fucking something.

It'd be so much easier to hate you than it is to love you.

too little, too late

I waited for what felt like forever for today. I rehearsed it, I wrote it down - I had speeches, and bullet points, and letters. But when the moment came...I don't know...

I sat there and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to let it end. I didn't feel resolved. I left feeling like when we'd get in a fight, and I'd call you right back and we'd fix things...But I couldn't call you back this time.

For a second, I was swimming in this moment of you and me. For a second time didn't exist. For a second it felt like old times. For a second I hoped in possibility.

It wasn't how I pictured it. There wasn't this magic moment that fixed everything. In fact, I think I feel more broken than ever now that it's come and it's gone and it didn't bring you back to me. I think I said everything I needed to. But it came out all jumbled and different. The emotion I intended to convey wasn't really there. Or maybe I just realized that we aren't in the same place anymore like I hoped we'd be.

Do you know how sorry I am? Do you know how guilty I feel?

And call it what you will but I still say you're clearly the winner. So cool and collected. So well-adjusted. How does nothing touch you like that? How did I affect you so little and you me so much? They're words you don't owe me, but still - I wish I had some kind of proof. Some reassurance that somewhere, I mattered.

I still hate myself for what's happened, for how things got. I still blame myself. Mostly because after today I feel like everything might be different, everything I want might've been mine again if I'd just picked up a goddamn phone.

submerged in fearful contradiction

It's weird to be home. Really weird.

Everything feels the same. Everything feels different....

------------------------------------

the time has come

we need to talk

i need to talk

i need you to listen

i need you to hear me

i need to hear you

i need to hear some voice, other than the one in my head

to gain an outside perspective, to gain clarity

i'm caught in this place of confusion

between past and present

scared to take even the slightest step

scared to move into the future

scared to lose who i am, where i'm coming from

scared to lose something so precious again, because i carelessly toss it away,

i might not yet have learned it's value

so much i've been carrying with me

the burden breaks my back

but i'm scared to let it go

i've been carrying so much for so long

my pain and my burdens are my identity

i don't know who i am without them

what if i'm no one?

and furthermore, what if i'm no one to you?

i hate the thought. it breaks my heart

it makes me feel terrible and guilty

it makes me terrified to move on because i don't ever want you to think that you will ever being anything less then everything to me

but what if you're not?

what if i do move on?

what if i find someone better?

what if i love someone else?

that seems unfair to you.

i don't want to be replaced. so how could i replace you?

i wonder a lot, what i would change if i could

it's a catch 22 you see

i couldn't be where i am today if i hadn't been where i've been

i wouldn't know that i wanted you if i hadn't've lost you

i wouldn't know who i am if i hadn't seen who i wasn't

but still...

if i could go back, knowing what i know now, would i do it differently?

and if i had done differently, would it be better?

...would it be worse?

sometimes i feel like i don't know any better then when i was seven

what would i tell her if i could?

cause i can't think of any ground-breaking advice

i still feel powerless, and lonely, and all the other fears of the big bad world

do those ever go away? for any of us?

will i ever know what i want, decisively, and be able to act on it?

and if that day comes, will it be too late?

i don't like change.

i don't like things i can't see,

things i can't control

they scare me.

i like to see the future, to know the outcome

i like for things to stay the same

they can't, i know

time passes. things change

but somehow i can't help but fight the current

go against the flow of change

i keep chasing my past because it's familiar

i'm not so sure i'll like the future

the truth hurts

"You can't say things like that to people Katherine."

I can't?

I can't speak the truth?

How am I to deal with it myself if I can't even talk about it?

There's no shame in the past.

No shame in mistakes,

In not knowing better.

So why do I have to live in secret?

Why do I have to stay silenced?

Caged in a painful truth I cannot speak.

Why do I have to keep quiet, feeling like what happened to me is something shameful?

Because when you do things like this to me, you make me feel guilty.

Like I deserved it.

Like it was my fault.

Like even to this day I don't have freedom over my words,

Over my life.

I know that you're not doing it on purpose.

I know that for you this world is still real.

I know that if I want to protect the people I care about I can't say it out loud.

But I need to deal with it.

I need to admit it.

I need to move on.

If the world was righteous and just it would let me.

It would let me stand up, look someone in the eye and face my scars so they can heal.

It would let me tell a therapist that I have been physically and verbally abused to a point of permanent detriment.

That when I hear people yelling I start to panic.

That I don't like people touching me because it makes me nervous.

That the voices still live in my head telling me that I'm fat, and ugly, and that no one will ever love me.

I know why I have to keep words quiet but it just isn't fair.

I want to let go.

I want to be better.

I want to move on

It's like I'm still just making up stories,

Like I had to every time I got a black eye.

I don't want to be damaged goods anymore.

I want to be free and move past it.

But that's the thing about domestic violence, it feeds on secrecy.

It's a world of darkness, where once you're trapped it's almost impossible to even imagine the light.

It's a silent struggle they never suspect.

A battle you will never stop fighting.

A nightmare you can't wake up from.

gone

I wish we were friends.

Well, I wish we were more, but even just friends would be nice.

That I could ask you "what's up?".

That I knew what was going on in your life.

That we talked on the phone now and again, I could have you tell your mom I said hi.

I wish I could let you know when you were on my mind.
Little things remind me of you daily.

I wish I could ask you if you "remembered when" too.

I wish things were civil.

That we could laugh together.

I miss how it use to be between us.

But mostly I just miss you.

missing you again

I'm scared Nathan

scared there will never come a day I don't miss you

scared I'll never stop loving you

scared you'll forget me

scared that no matter how much I want it, I'll never love anyone as much as I love(d) you

scared I'm broken beyond repair this time

scared I'll never be whole again

:/

falling upwards

light up

let go

let the world fall away

let time pass you by, or not;

perhaps you'll choose to linger in it,

count the seconds,

make them last

release your inhibitions

let go of your inner sensors

disregard your fear of humiliation

just sit, think, be

let it in, the thoughts, the feelings

swim around in the haze of possibilities

let the world fall away

go with your instincts

feel each caress,

the beat of every song

the passion in every kiss

float away for a while

let the world fall away

let yourself fall upwards

float through purple clouds

June 1st

Dear ______,

As you know, today is the one year of the day we got together, and I thought I'd be a wreck, but you know what? I'm actually doing very well.

Naturally today, I've been thinking a lot about that day. Remember when you asked me to go out with you and I asked you what that meant cause I'd never gone out with anyone before and you defined it as my not being able to do "this" (and you kissed me) with anyone else? It sounded like the greatest idea I'd ever heard. Why, someone actually wanted to kiss me and just me? It was definitely one of the happiest days of my life and I know I will remember it as such as long as I live. And I thank you for that. :)

I realized though, that I did you wrong on New Years. I made you that promise to kiss you and only you and then I just shattered it (maybe after that month of us debating all the time whether to break up that was the universe somehow telling us things were over even before we knew it ourselves). I'm sorry for other things too. I'm sorry for the way things are between us now. I'm sorry for coming across as bipolar in the few times we've talked. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you meant any less to me then you did. I'm sorry for not being able to ever really put into words how much you meant to me in the time that we were actually together.

I'm really excited, you know? To see you that is. I'm excited to talk to you. To have that conversation we've been putting off. To hopefully clear the air. To maybe even be friends again someday.

Cause you see I wasn't ready for that before. Not just the talking, but a lot of things. I had growing up to do. I think you forget how much you were ahead of me in life experience years when we met. I've spent the last six months in a tumultuous hurry to catch up. And I think I'm there now. I'm sure I've still got a lot to learn, but I think I can deal with it all now. My heart healed. I didn't think it would, but it did. I caught up to you. And I think I'm ready to face you, and to have you in my life again.

I do want to make one thing perfectly clear though. I will always love you cuddlebuddy. I will always think of us in that happy-sad kinda way. I will always have a tiny wonder of "what if". My heart will always be a little empty because a piece of it is yours. But more and more I find that love to have changed into that like one might feel for prized childhood possessions. That first fluffy stuffed animal you got. You look at it now, edges frayed, nose falling off, loved to full capacity. It's no longer what it was to you in daily life, but you still can't help but smile a little every time you see it. It's that feeling of being young, of safety, of familiarity, of comfort, of home.

And I'm writing this not only to you, a) because I've written you a thousand times already and b) because I never actually intend to show this to you. I'm more writing this hoping that somewhere out there, you're thinking of me today too. That to you, I am not forgotten. Through this I send peace and kindness in your direction by way of the universe. I hope it gets to you.

More than all of this, I'm writing this for every girl who will ever have a broken heart - I promise you, no matter how much it hurts, or how impossible it seems, the love was worth it. One day you will heal.

Dreams of You Again...

I had a dream about you a few nights ago. Vivid as reality. We were in Nate's back room. It was night. It was silent. I don't know how we'd gotten there, or how long we stayed.

You walked over to shut the door. A solemn, serious expression on your face. You walked back and sat down on the bed next to where I was laying without so much as glancing at me.

We had sex. We had sex and it was passionate and sorrowful and amazing. There were no words. There was no kissing. No passionate staring into each others eyes. But somehow it was the closest to "making love" I've ever experienced.

Something to know that our love was fierce and passionate, and that even if it's over, it was real.

We must've fallen asleep, or I did at least. I was vaguely aware of you getting up, getting dressed, and walking out the door - shutting it behind you. Both of us still with our somber expressions.

And I knew somehow that that was it, that I would never see you again.

And it was beautiful. And it was perfect.

Something, anything to prove that we existed. Something to make me feel like I actually meant something to you, to prove that I still do.

And I woke up wishing it had been real.

dreams

i spend way to much time dreaming of my past

of days with you

of how i want them back

unshakable shadows

so let's dream for a moment

something beyond you

i forget such a world exists

what would i want if i wasn't so wrapped in darkness?

to be loved, that's for sure

but more

i want something wild passionate and free

i want to feel alive

i want to care about something, anything, other than you

i want romance

and adventure

with you i lived the only life i've ever known

i want a life, any life

any life but my own

grateful

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could call you up, that we could gab for hours.

That we could laugh and talk about life.

That I could cry and telling you all the dark scary things I wish you knew.

I miss that dynamic. It was beautiful and I will always remember it fondly.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

But as the healing progresses, mostly I just want to thank you.

Thank you for the way you always asked. The way you were cautious with my heart.

Thank you for talking. Thank you for listening. For the way you were always patient.

Thank you for making my life better. For knowing how to make me happy whether it was a Tuesday afternoon, or the moment I needed it most.

Thank you for teaching me about love, life, sex, relationships.

Thank you for teaching me about myself.

Thank you for always making me feel safe and loved.

Thank you for being the person I could call at two in the morning.

Thank you for gas money, football tickets, and giant teddy bears.

Thank you for memories I will always cherish.

Thank you for moving on, for forcing me to do the same.

Thank you for loving me, and letting me love you in return. For breaking my heart. For opening my eyes. For making me stronger.

Boxes

It's scary. The way it feels like none of it ever existed.

Past, present, future, possibility.

The way we compartmentalize our lives.

Taylor's been gone just a couple of days. Others longer. I moved into a new room today. I have to remind myself first semester happened...didn't it?

I had a flash a minute later, questioning Nathan. That seems weird considering how much he's still on my mind. But I did. Did that really happen? Somehow I don't believe it. That summer must be a dream, the way it's hazy in my memory.

Sort of like my reality with Jesse. It's like he, that world, that dynamic, they don't exist. I don't believe it when I'm not in it.

I see pictures of myself at Cherubs. I can feel Lake Michigan on my bare feet. I remember the summer air, the fireflies. I feel it, but I don't.

Out of sight, out of mind I suppose.

The Truth About "Forever"

"Look, at somepoint you're just going to have to accept it, and force yourself to move on."

But I don't want to.

Strong.

Feministic.

Independent.

Guarded.

I am not this girl.

This girl who lets boys break her.

How did you break her?

She never believed in "forever".

How did you trick her into the concept?

Maybe because I wanted it so bad.

To be loved.

To be wanted.

I remember birthdays.

Wishing that I could be good enough.

Because if I was good enough, maybe I wouldn't get hit,

maybe mommy and daddy would stop fighting

maybe they wouldn't look at me with such hatred in their eyes.

Regret for poor choices, time wasted, and lost dreams.

I wish and I waited and I repressed.

I burried feelings deep. I grew strong.

And 17 years later before I knew what was happening you wanted me.

You made me feel safe.

You made me feel loved.

You were the first person who treated me right.

The first preson who didn't judge me.

Or neglect me.

The first person I could really trust to love me no matter what.

The only person in my life I have ever been able to count on.

Somehow in that mess I think I got fooled.

I thought that finally having someone love me meant they'd love me forever.

I thought finally, finally, I was safe from the storm.

But the thing about forever, is that there's no such thing.

My head knew you were leaving, that there would be others for you

but my heart didn't feel it.

I don't know if it's you, or just the idea of you,

but I can't let go just yet.

I don't want to let go just yet.

Letting go means realizing that you're gone.

It means facing the fact that you're with her now.

That you're happy without me.

You have someone else to bring you that happiness now

Someone to laugh with

Cuddle with

Sleep with

While I sit here writing sad poetry about you.

Out of Somedays

I had a conversation with you in my head just now.

It started with the tears. My lonely nights often do. I was thinking earlier about your grandparents house. How you always told me it was beautiful. How you wanted to take me there. You talked about us escaping. Just driving down for the weekend. I pictured it in my head a million times. Safely tucked away in my box of "somedays". But we'll never take that trip now. I'll never see that house. The excitement in your voice still resinating in my head. I feel like I let down a dream.

In my head it was summer. We were drunk in Nate's back room. Somehow left alone together. I knew the words were coming. I knew they shouldn't, but I wanted them. I asked you to go, I feigned fighting them off, but I prayed you'd stay, that they'd escape.

I told you about how I'd spent the last six months missing you.

About how I tried to drink you away.

About how the first guy I slept with after you I don't remember, because I was too drunk to know what was going on.

They tell me technically it was rape, but I can't put that word on it. I can't. It's just too hard.

I woke up the next morning, realized what had happened, and walked home, numb.

I cried in a dark shower realizing that even if I wanted you back, I'd ruined it.

I was tainted,

disgusting.

No amount of hot water could wash it away.

You'd never want me.

If you knew what I'd done you'd probably never even want to look at me again.

I couldn't bare the thought of having let you down.

I told you about how I missed holding your hand, and your cuddles. Missed the way being in your arms made me feel safe.

How much I wished to cry into those arms, you soothingly whisepring into my ears how much you loved me, kissing my nose, telling me I was good enough, I was safe

- like that night before you left for college, the time before our lives changed.

How it contrasts with crying to myself in a world of solitary uncertainty.

I talked, and you listened. And we went on like that.

It was quiet for a while. There was no comforting, no consoling; just a comfortable silence; a peace. You knew. That's all I want - for you to know. For me to remain to you a person, rather than some distant memory. Or even just for me to remain in your memory at all - a girl that you loved. For you to understand why I've done what I have, rather than what gossip you've heard on the street. For you to not look at me in the way I pictured that morning I cried to myself in the shower. For you to not think of me as another crazy, slutty ex-girlfriend. I just want to tell you. I just want you to know.

The worst part is that while I cry myself to sleep with conversation that will never happen, there is no rest. My eyelids hold only unshakable images of you resting peacfully in her arms. No amount of scalding water will ever wash away my guilt.

I never meant to let you down.

Another sleepless night spent writing words you'll never read.

Searching

I've missed Nathan a lot since we broke up. It hasn't been a secret. He was my friend. My BEST friend. The only person I've ever had in my life that I knew would still love me and be there no matter what. So suddenly, when that moment came that I realized he wasn't always going to be there, that we were broken up and he was moved on and he didn't have to care about me anymore, my world crumbled. Somehow I kidded myself into believing that even when time passed and life changed, he'd be there for me. I thought that maybe, just maybe I finally had someone I could call when shit got real. Someone I would always be able to call. But that's not the case. Time passes, people change. People move in and out of your life. Finding one that sticks for a life time is hard. From my experience, it's not the case. You will never have a best friend who is always your best friend all of the time. Even when you make it through the test of time, you're going to drift apart. And that's okay. That's how it's suppose to be. It's what makes the time that you are close that much more precious.

I realized today that with Nathan, I can't be the person I am and the person he wants me to be at the same time. It's nothing pessimistic, or personal. But what we had is over. (Four months later I've FINALLY hit acceptance...nice work self. :P) Honesty is what made our friendship strong, and I don't think I can ever truly be honest with him again. The time has come. This person is walking out of my life. As much as I know Nathan and I both wanted to take our friendship with us when our relationship was over, sometimes no matter how bad you want something, it doesn't work out. I wish I'd realized how precious what I had was when I had it, but sometimes we can only connect the dots looking backwards. The best we can do is move forward, carrying our lessons with us as the reminders on our hearts.

I needed this time. This time to be a little wild, go a little crazy, live outside of what other people wanted for me. I'm still searching, but I'm finding myself slowly. I actually had a night where I just didn't feel like drinking this weekend. I'm finding myself actually wanting to get my work done rather than being told I need to. It's a proccess, a journey, a path I needed to walk myself. And I still can't see the light at the end but I know I'm getting closer.

I needed Nathan too though. I actually wrote a good portion of a novel last year about my experience with him. Even then, I knew it was going to be important to me always. He gave me a taste of something real. That thing people search for. Being so utterly and completely comfortable with someone. Someone you can laugh with, cry with, and just sit in silence with. Finding another person that makes every moment of your day better because you have them in your life. The concept of soulmates I never believed in, not even as a little girl, young and optimistic. Rugged individualism was the path of life I always intended to follow. But Nathan left me wanting to find that other person I never even knew I was searching for. I've felt sparks of it since. I know it's out there. I'll find it again someday. In the meantime, I'm going to find me.

The Voice Inside My Head

Late at night is when the feeling creeps in.

The missing you.

Summer mornings spent napping in the sunshine.

Afternoons on swingsets.

Nights in your arms.

I like being single, but it's lonely sometimes.

Especially knowing you're not lonely.

That when I gave you up, it didn't phase your happiness for long.

I hear it's normal.

The missing you.

They tell me it will go away in time.

Some days I hate you I swear.

I hate that you're happy.

I'm envious that she gets you.

I feel a little replaced.

You found a new me so quickly, I wonder how much I could possibly have meant.

I wonder if I made the right choice.

Ending it when I did.

What if I hadn't just then?

Would we still be together?

Would I be looking forward to another summer in your arms?

Cause the eminence of awkward encounters is an unpleasant thought.

I hadn't really thought it through.

My world back home without you I mean.

I wonder if it will ever be the same.

Falling in love.

I kind of question if I'll find someone.

I want something more then a few hours of fun.

I miss when sex had meaning.

I'm scared.

Scared of feeling anything again.

Letting someone in.

Giving them everything only for it to end, for me to be replaced again.

What's the point?

But for that time together.

That fleeting instant of happiness.

It's worth it.

I want to find meaning again.

Maybe not love, but something.

It will never replace the summer I spent with you.

But maybe I could be happy again.

Maybe there's something more for me than late nights spent missing you.

Trouble is, there's no such thing as perfection...

The fact of the matter is, when I arrived at Northeastern I invented a new person.

It wasn't so much that there was a problem with the old one,

or even so much that I meant to,

it just happened.

I am a different person now than I was before.

She has a fabulous life.

She is fun and exciting.

She lives out my inner adventurous desires.

The only problem is, she doesn't know how to do things like

study

go to class

do well in school.

I was that person once.

In my distant past I tried.

I applied myself.

I prided myself on my grades,

my ciriculum,

my GPA.

At being "perfect."

But when I was that person, I hated myself.

My life WAS my work.

There was no fun,

no enjoyment.

The peak of my suicidal days.

I'm scared to be her again.

Scared that dark state of mind will creep back into my conscious.

But I need her work ethic,

her passion,

her potential.

I don't want to lose who I am now, but I need to be more.

So the trick is, how do I maintain both?

How do you manage to be only part of a person?

Gone are the Days

I'm not looking for a relationship.

Nothing official, or demanding.

Nothing with strings.

It doesn't have to be formal.

No one has to buy anyone dinner.

What I want is so much simpler than that.

I want a boy. Preferably handsome.

I want someone to kidnap at five in the morning to watch the sunrise.

It's a friendship, but it's more.

It's not about "benefits", it's about adventure.

Nights spent stealing bottles of liquor,

wandering home under starry skies

listening to some soft rock song you both like.

It's the kind of thing you find in the "young adult" section at Borders.

Something innocent.

The kind of thing you find at 15.

Something more fullfilling than sex, or drugs, or anything else ever could be.

Restorative.

Inspiring.

I want a romance.

The Ouch Factor

I'm suppose to break up with you, and then you're suppose to spend the rest of your life pinning for me.

Or at least more than two months.

I gave you 7 months of my life and my virginity.

We weren't even officialy broken up yet.

You couldn't even have the decency to call me and say "hey by the way I got a new girlfriend...you know, so you don't have to find out from the internet or some shit like that."

I guess it just makes me realize how glad I am to be past stupid little boys.

Cause hey, guess what, I'm seeing someone too.

But I was at least going to have the decency to talk to you about it before I officialized anything.

That's what you're suppose to do in these circumstances.

Dumbass.

Mostly I think I'm just hurt.

You let me find out on facebook, just like any other person.

I guess I didn't really mean that much to you.

Which is sad, because you once meant everything to me. <\3

Mine

Pleasure pocesses no gender

Using and abusing are not acts of sexism

So why I am any less entitled?

Because I am woman you can call "slut"?

Funny thing is life of late

the difference between allowing your actions to define you, and using self definition to guide your actions

walking the fine line between the two

Call me a dualist if you will,

cracked as Decartes,

but to me the heart and the head exist not within the body, but with the soul

You can have my body, my physical presence

I'll taunt you with the illusion

Tease you with hope

For tonight you can be my pet, my toy,

...my friend,

...my lover

But my mind and my heart you do not have

You will never have

I do not give them

They are mine

Bright Eyes

Can someone please tell me what the normal amount your suppose to miss someone after a break up is? Because I've missed Nathan every single day that it's been over. I cry in the shower. My tears rock me to sleep. What if Nathan was it? He was the first to give me a chance. What if he's the last? The thought hurts my heavy heart. And lately, all I can think is how much I want him back.

Who was I to question our relationship? Why couldn't I shut up and be happy? How I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. How blessed I was to find someone who loved me so much. Someone who thought that I was beautiful and sweet and funny. Someone who saw the best parts of me, and the worst, and loved me all the same. Someone who made a broken girl feel whole for the first time in her life.

How blessed I was to find a boy so kind, and generous, and good. A gentleman. That guy that girls write cheesy myspace page decals about. A boy who inspired me to be a better person. The boy who did everything right.

I wonder if my mind has glorified our relationship in the retrospect. Because I do know there were struggles, hardships, unhappinesses. There was a reason that it ended. But in my brief time at college, I've made some mistakes. Mistakes that taught me that not everyone will appreciate me like Nathan did, or rather, lessons that rekindled a fear that perhaps no one else ever will.

The thing about Nathan, about our relationship, is that he will always be the guy I love(d) because he was "the good guy". He is the friendship that grew love. And it's funny, because growing up, I told myself that was always what I wanted - to find a best friend I could fall in love with, to spend my life with him. But at 18, my soul felt caged by the standard. I longed for something wild and free. I want to live a young life empassioned. But I've always been this vulnerable little girl when it came to romance. Looking for love is a dangerous quest. A road of a million rejections.

I want to be with Nathan, though I know I can't be now. But what if he isn't there when I go looking for him later?

First love is the first taste of water - from here on out there will always be thirst.

party of one

I've been meaning to write a piece on "college". Something motivational, inspirational, a little something to get me excited, to concretely define my path - but then I got here.

It was strange, I walked into my dorm room for the first time and thought, "hmm, this is my dorm room." I realized in that moment, that I'd come into this with absolutely no preconcieved notions. I hadn't pictured my room, or my friends. I hadn't really thought about what campus would look like, or what my classes would be. I hadn't considered who I'd be, or even mused on who I wanted to be given the infinite possibilities for redefinition. I thought "I'm moving to Boston and I'm going to go to school there." In retrospect, this is perfect. There will be no silly nonsense of upset at things being "different then pictured" - there is no picture. I really and truly am working from scratch.

I'll never forget the feeling I had coming out of the my first meeting with Susan (my lovely academic counselor). It was this overwhelming feeling of excitement, motivation, and mostly this isn't Notre Dame anymore. I can't say definitively that I've got it cracked after only four short days of living my environment, but never in my life have I ever felt so motivated. I can't ever remember me personally making the decision to not hang out with people because I wanted my reading done early, or passing up an ice cream run to finish my extra credit, or sacrificing sleep to go exercise.

My initial goal coming into college (the only part I actually did think about) was that for the first time in my life I was going to totally and completely give myself over to it. I was going to throw myself in for the sake of success. This I have thus done successfully.

With the arrival of course selection, I made an adendum. Not only would I throw myself into things, but I was going to throw myself into things I never thought I'd try. Things like Japanese, and underwater basket weaving, and documentary film making. I thought of the lovely Miss Christina Spann, a girl who has not ceased to impress me more and more every time I see her in the last few months. A girl who has always overwhlemingly seemed to go confidently into life, with full assurance of herself, and live contented with past and present actions a result. A girl who is quirky and does things like get octopus tattoos because she thinks it's cool. I thought of that girl and I realized it was some of those traits that through things like Japanese, and cartilage piercings, and experimenting with color scale photography, I wanted to emulate.

I am completely free of all attatchment right now, and I'm realizing more and more how incredibly important that fact is. I am free and ready to pour myself into my life and into me. And as selfish as that may sound, I'm doing it, regardless of what anyone else thinks because it's what I want to do with my life.

The part of all this "map of college" I couldn't've told you until the events of this evening is a part I'd never considered - defining my morals. Not strictly just my morals, but it's the closest word I can come up with for explaination. It's like, I grew up with this image of what my mom wanted me to be, and what she valued as appropriate and innapropriate and I live my life with that as the inner compass standard. From there, after years of not recieving her approval, I fell into the arms of Nathan. Finally someone approved. And that's what I didn't realize until this evening; in the course of that relationship, I began to shift from my mom's standards, yes, but rather than define my own, I found myself beginning to live by his. And you know what? I spend way to much goddamn time worry about what other people think of me.

So right now, I'm here, and I'm not living for my mother, or for Nathan, or for anyone else. I'm taking a step away from the life that was and into the mystery of what is to be. I'm going to take a little step away from what is "planned" and "proper. Try new things, test the waters. And yeah, not everyone will approve of some of my decisions. I'm going to try new things, live my life, and make some mistakes. But I'm going to go at life, full on. Be it academically, or in defining my existence. I've been presented with a glorious and crucially human opportunity to find myself. And I could not be more excited to do just that.